Patient Endurance and Christ's Suffering?
Misfit mom here blogging today and feeling better than I felt yesterday which was a very blah day.
There has been two phases in my morning devotions that have stuck in my spirit. Today it hit me from Rev. 1. It talked about patient endurance and joining in Christ's suffering. Both concepts I have spiritual trouble with. Maybe it's my immaturity, maybe it's my knee jerk reaction to suffering or enduring. I don't know. Does anyone have any insights about this subject?

CHRISTMAS DAY
I just want to wish everyone a worshipful, peaceful, and joyful Christmas Day. May God's favor shine upon you.
May His grace flow through you.
May He be glorified by you.
Have a happy and healthy New Year too.

Well it's Christmas Eve, actually it's 6:18 a.m and I've just finished my bible study. The lamb has gone into the oven. It will be ready in an hour and 20 min. Twenty minutes to the pound and twenty minutes over Jan tells me.
Jan woke up and share he had a dream yesterday that Rosie went to heaven. When she got there God stroked her lovingly on the head and opened a door for her to go through. There were many other dogs playing happily and she was wagging her tail as she pranced through the door. We were all comforted by the dream. I had prayed the day before that GOD would comfort Jan and give him a revelation about Rosie.
I really feel in my spirit that our beloved animals go to the LORD. That when we die we will meet them again.
May you all have a blessed Christmas remembering to thank GOD for HIS gift to us. That gift is His Son, Jesus Christ.
Anyone want to go to South Africa in January to help the aids orphans through a missions organization called African Enterprises? If so please e-mail me for more details.

ROSIE, OUR LITTLE YORKIE DIED YESTERDAY

There was sorrow in the house all day yesterday. Rosie was in the road when Alexandra and I were returning from doing some shopping late in the morning. She was so happy to see us that she ran right into the car. Alexandra was grief stricken and crying hysterical. Jan postponed his grief until the night when the tears just came flooding out of him. Then in the night I awoke to his sobbing.

We lit a candle last night and said prayers for Rosie. The vet said that we would have her ashes in four days. I hope to have a ceremony outside. I want to paint a stone with her name on it and some heartfelt thoughts. I would like to set it in the ground as a permanent marker for us to remember her by.

If anyone has lost a beloved animal please share your insights and prayers with us.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

No more than 2400 mg of Sodium, no more than 2 eggs per week, reduce fat in his milk to 1% otherwise Jan can really remain on the diet that is part of his lifestyle. Adjustments, have you noticed the older you get the more adjustments you have to make as far as your health is concerned.

Did I tell you that when I returned from lunch there was a black lady in a hospital gown, no shoes, and a bit out of it making an unauthorized visit to the cafeteria to score some Chic Fil Lay? She was making her way back to the 9th floor from where she escaped; I hope it’s not the Psych ward. But she had the dilemma of hiding the bag with her lunch inside while riding on the elevator. So, she thought about it. First it went under her nightdress mounted on her stomach, but then she thought about it some more, and transferred the package in between her legs. If I didn’t see it unfolding before my eyes I wouldn’t have believed it. I wonder what the dietary department would have made of such an incidence as this? There are some funny things that happen in a hospital.

The little nurse returns to our room. We start to chat and she tells us that she has been transferred from the Cardiac ICU Unit upstairs because of lower back problems. She works three 9-9 shifts three days a week, no weekends and loves it. Nice unit here 22 beds in the Cardiac Post Intervention Unit. Looks brand new to me. Here she comes, out to get a piece of gauze. Took out the needle from Jan’s vein, removed the contact patches from his chest, and unplugged the cardiac monitor. Jan got dressed quickly. The little nurse’s name is Sherri. It’s written on her nametag. The first name is very big and her last name is very small. I wonder what that’s all about? Sherri is very sweet and bubbly.

She told Jan he could walk down to the lobby at first she wanted to get a wheelchair but she would have to escort us. Before that, Jan would have to walk the halls backwards and forwards. To make sure he was stable enough to leave, which he did very well.

We got to the lobby and said good-bye and thank you to sweet Sherri, the nurse. Jan was a free man, praise the Lord! We walked about 300 paces from the hospital door to the car. Jan got in but had to get out to direct me out of the space. Someone parked illegally at the rear of my car therefore space was at a premium. I needed some help to navigate out of the space. He got back into the car and we were home by 5:30.

Lots of calls on the answering machine, Vera, Cousin Ann, Pastor Jim, Hank, Laurie, Sylvia, Alexandra twice, all these people had to be called. Jan went straight to bed. He was still somewhat groggy from all the drugs that he was given today. I cooked some dinner for him, which he said he would eat later. I made a salad and returned some phone calls, then checked my e-mail. I was exhausted emotionally feeling like I had ran an emotional marathon. I’m off to bed myself. Tomorrow is a new day.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

Dr. Drucker just came in. He only received two phone calls in two minutes while visiting Jan. The visit lasted all of five minutes. He said that Jan looked good, the surgery was successful, yet hedged his bets with saying that there was a 10% chance his condition might come back. We would have to wait and see if the flutter which turned into a fib would be a problem in the future? Maybe the ablation took care of both the flutter and the fib? But yet if the fib becomes problematic in the future another ablation should be considered. Do I really want to go through this again? I just store the information in the back of my mind. Hoping just to get through this day and not fall to pieces. There’s no one to pick up the pieces anyway. Let us hope that Jan’s heart is taken care of, at least for the time being.

Lori, Dr. Drucker’s P.A. just rang him up which was the second call. I’d venture to say the first phone call was from his wife. Lori’s ring had a distinctive Caribbean beat. I almost felt like dancing. 4:10 pm. and counting down, 20 more minutes before release. It sounds like a prison escape; at times it feels like one.

Oprah is on the TV; we just finished watching Dr. Phil who was talking about kids who needed interventions. Now we’re watching Oprah and she is doing on show on a husband who wanted to kill his wife, a pit bull dog who attacked a child, Joshua was the child’s name. Not good television material for such a time as this. The programs are not exactly uplifting or encouraging. Should have stuck with my spiritual book. Jan is still very out of it from all the drugs. He’s going on automatic pilot. I want to unplug Jan and escape. Its 4:24 p.m. Jan is still connected to a monitor via a WINFI connection to the nurse’s station. Very state of the art technology, I was very impressed by the medical technology in place these days. Six more minutes I want to dress Jan and go. I’m looking at the clock go around and around. The second hand is moving ever so slowly on the clock. He still has an IV needle that has to be pulled.

On Oprah there is a segment about a liver transplant for a baby that brought tears to my eyes. BINGO! It’s 4:30 p.m. ESCAPE IS EMMINENT! Jan walked the halls successfully. Now we’re just waiting for the nurse to come to pull his IV needle hook up. The nurse arrives and checked his vital signs for the last time. She just left the room to check on the doctor’s orders before she pulls the monitor tags off. She says she’ll be back in a minute. It’s 4:45 pm now. I am still counting every second, time seems like it is dragging along. Have you ever waited on something and each second feels like an eternity? I pray that Jan will start exercising and start talking care of himself.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE WAITING ROOM

John Cleese for Westinghouse Salad Express catches my attention on the tube. I wonder how much they paid him for that commercial? Dr. Brown, dial 853 blaring ever so loudly from the intercom. That sound could wake the dead. I made myself smile. Must be my sick sense of humor at this time.

Jan is resting quietly again. Who should I call when I get home? I’ll certainly call James
Alexandra, my prayer partners, cousin Ann, Cheryl Jones, the church those are a few a names that come to mind. Blood thinners for a month for Jan, no heavy lifting for three days, he’s still resting and that’s the best thing he can do. Dr. William Brown, dial 853 is blaring again but they reduced the volume. No doubt someone said something about it. Thank God!

Just called James and Alexandra. They weren’t around so I left messages on their cell phones. James just called me back within the hour. He was in class. After asking about his Dad, he told me not to be mad at Alexandra. I told him I couldn’t discuss it right now. Hopefully when we get home the problem will be resolved. I thought that was very grown up of him to say that if she needed to be in Chicago it was all right with him, if that was her higher calling. I can only fight one emotional battle at a time. This one is a heavy load for me to carry right now.

I must call Fun Time Tennis and tell them I won’t be playing tomorrow. I think I should take care of Jan and monitor his progress. My friend Lori came in to check on Jan. She is Dr. Ducker’s PA. I didn’t recognize her at first. That seems to be happening from time to time with other’s too. Must be a senior moment. But the story fell into place in my mind. Lori and I had gone to India several years earlier on a medical missions trip. She was still in PA school and used that trip as clinical experience. We roomed together so I got to know her a bit better. She’s married now; changing jobs to a Family Practice PA in the next month, and seems happy. I’m happy for her. She tells me that Jan can get off his medications. There in only one medication that has to be reduced gradually over the next week. Remember that was the carrot for me when I even considered letting Jan go in for surgery. She checked Jan’s heart and everything is looking positive at this point.

It’s 3:53 p.m only 37 minutes to go, 37 minutes and counting down. Dr. Drucker is supposed to come by and see Jan again. He has to write his discharge papers before we go anywhere. He will schedule Jan for an office visit in 6 weeks. There is only one half hour left and I am still counting. The nurse just came in and pulled the cath and removed the various lines, needles, and patches connected to his body. She gave Jan one of those portable urinals but he couldn’t go in bed. He’ll wait till he can get up so that he can use the bathroom in the room.

News Flash!
James Richardson Milner III, beloved first son of Jan and Susan Milner is graduating from ASU in Boone, NC today. What a joyful day for all of us. Especially this Jewish Mother. Well done, James.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

I arrived in room 3211 at about 12:15. Looking around I found no Jan. I even looked in the bathroom. I was there all by myself which after heart surgery is an unsettling feeling for a wife. When will he be here? Where is he now? Is he in the in-transit twilight zone? Will I ever see him again? Minutes feel like an eternity. A nurse tells me that he’ll be in his room in about 10 minutes. I’m counting down again. That’s what the whole day feels like a count down. I am popping my head out to the hallway looking back and forth down the corridor. Then I see a gurney coming towards me. It’s Jan hooray, hip hip hooray I found him. I saw him first. He didn’t see me until he was right upon me. I was told to wait outside the room until they settled him in. That in itself took 15 minutes. There were various people coming and going in his room. I don’t see why it takes 4 or 5 people to settle someone in. But then again I just wanted to be inside with him. I guess I resented being asked to wait outside. I wanted to protect him, to comfort him, and to love on him.

I think they keep the family as far away as possible to avoid lawsuits of any kind or have any interference. It never was that way in the old days. Medical care has sure changed in the last 30 years. Looking at the TV always taking notes. Now my attention is caught by a Lex-Mart Photo Printer commercial, I see it in the corner of my eye.

I finally got into the room with Jan. Upon his board opposite his bed the nurse wrote bed rest until 4:30 pm. That is the first thing that I notice. What time is it now? I’m still in countdown mode. I spoke to the nurse who wrote the message. The interpretation is: if he is not dizzy, if he can walk down the hallway by himself, if his vital signs and wound site looks good then at 4:30 he can get dressed and go home. (maybe)???

Jan had a couple of bites of lunch, It consisted of beans, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. It all looked rather non-appealing to me. I cut up his food for him and tried to help him get it down. They positioned him in a rather awkward position for eating. He is resting now and trying to sleep. He just woke up coughing. That smoker’s cough is still plaguing him. We’re watching Family Matters. It’s 1:30 pm now 3 hours and still counting down.

Here is page one of the leaflet the doctor gave us.  

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This is what's been happening to Jan 

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

Dr. Drucker just came in, he said that Jan’s heart rhythms went from a flutter to a fibrillation both are arrhythmias of the heart. The latter I think is more serious. He said that Jan would have to take his blood thinning meds for a month. I hope he gets off all those medications. That was the carrot for me when I even considered going into this. Dr. Drucker also said that Jan might have to go through another procedure with additional risks if his heart fibrillation deteriorates, just what you don’t want to hear after surviving this cardiac surgery. I’m told that Jan will be in room 3211 for the next four hours recuperating but he will not be there for approximately 15 minutes. I guess he’s in-transit.

Went and had lunch in the café. I ordered chicken livers with rice and green beans. Sat with the elderly woman and her daughter who I had met earlier this morning in the ICU. The both were from Stuart, VA. I offered them a bed in my house. They had been in the waiting room for four days. The daughter declined the offer. Saying that Mom would not leave the waiting room. As I got up to empty my tray I noticed my friend Irene sitting by herself behind me. I play bridge with Irene on Friday’s. She was here to see her sister in law who had broken her leg and to get her ventilation therapy. We chatted for a couple of minutes. Then I was off to Room 3211.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

Eating a piece of cornbread now. I will probably have some soup or chicken for lunch. Tom Broker was saying good-bye on NBC’s Today Show with Katie & Matt toasting him. He said his final good-bye as his voice broke. As tears filled his eyes, my eyes were filling just watching him. What a handsome talented man he is, worthy of much honor.

There are 25 people in the waiting room, still some coming and some going. I remember a woman of 80 or so years being led ever so tenderly by her daughter to her husband who was undergoing a cardiac procedure. Some people are sitting by themselves, some in twos, others in multiple groups. I’m aware of being by myself. That’s a continual theme of my life. An emotional hurdle I seem to have to jump over on a regular basis. Sometimes those hurdles feel very high. Such a time is now. A doctor is giving an update to a family huddled together. They are a family of four. Yet the majority waiting here are in groups of one and two. Maybe the twos have it? Cardiologists are coming and going. Two are here reviewing the results of their patient’s surgeries with the family. Are the doctors happy at their jobs? They train so long, too long in my opinion. What is the burn out rate for cardiologist?

On page 18 in my spiritual book a sentence strikes a cord in my spirit. “A mother’s heart is tender. I don’t know any mother who wouldn’t willingly trade her own comfort to ease the suffering of her child”. The whole situation with Alexandra is a good illustration of that right now. Willing to let go of the outcome of her not attending James’ graduation this week. Letting go and letting God work it all out, it is still a tough war that is going on in my spirit from time to time interwoven in the midst of this crisis. If God doesn’t want her to come, I just pray that He will tell Jan and James and that the Comforter would truly come and comfort us.

The doctor has gone around to another patient. This particular cardiologist is from India. I can tell by his accent. I hear bits and pieces coming from his mouth, “50% kidney function, TEE, he’s doing well, pain free”. I guess my hearing is either diminishing or I’m not a good ease dropper.

“Whatever my lot it is well, it is well with my soul”. That chorus is running around in my mind. Even when it is not well with our circumstances, it can be well with my soul. I tried to ring up my prayer partner Sylvia, but she was out with the person she takes care of. Francis is an orphan, she’s lovely, and an ex nurse. I remember those things about her. Francis had a doctor’s appointment this morning. I said I would call back. Where is everyone when you need them?

Ten people are now in the waiting room. The ebb and tide of family members waiting on the results of their loved ones surgery is moving at a faster rate. It’s 12:00 noon, high noon, almost six hours from when hence we started. My lower back is killing me. I can’t really sit any longer. I think I over did it with racquetball the other day. Playing doubles with 2 open players at the Y may have done me in.







.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

The doctor had told me that Jan will be in bed for a couple of days. This will be a good time for him to do the Christmas cards. Maybe we will get them out early this year. Where should I buy them? How many should I buy? Maybe I’ll start with 50 and go from there. We have to get the ones out to Europe in good time.

Twenty people surround me in the small CC waiting room. Daughters, sons, husbands, wives, and all the other family members who are waiting anxiously for the results of a loved one who is currently going through heart surgery. No one under 14 years old can wait here. I wonder why? A Pepsi machine is next to a candy machine, they flank the right hand door. Beside them on the right of the machines are 2 water fountains. One water fountain is taller than the other. Maybe it is for the little people they don’t allow in the waiting room? Or maybe it’s for handicapped individuals in wheelchairs? I’m not sure. There is a coffee set up next to the water fountains, which resides 6 inches from the door. Everything on the coffee table is disposable.

The nurse said every hour or hour and a half they would let me know Jan’s status, which is good. It’s 10 a.m. now. A doctor is recounting the outcome of a cardiac procedure to a family 15 feet away from me. Stints, stitches, and holding area those are the only words I pick up. The TV is competing with the doctor’s explanation. I’m trying not to ease drop but the room is small. Had a banana and an egg biscuit this morning at 7:45. Why do I get hungry when I’m anxious? Most people lose their appetites. I guess I still have to work on my “emotional eating patterns”.

Read an article on the “New Divorce”. Subheading, why more women than ever are calling it quits and why men don’t see it coming in the August 2004 AARP magazine. Should have stuck with the spiritual book I was reading. The one Cheryl Jones gave me for my birthday called “Lessons I Learned in the Dark, Steps to Walking by Faith, not by Sight” by Jennifer Rothschild. The introduction is by Beth Moore, who is one of my favorite people. She also gave me the journal that I’m writing on right now along with the book.

I may go to the Café again and see what there is. I need a walk more than anything and I could use a ladies room. It’s 10:55 a.m. and I went to the café. They only thing that looked good was a piece of cornbread. Have you ever brought something you thought you wanted to eat, it looked good, and then when you tasted it, it didn’t live up to your expectations? I find that a lot in life. Is there a spiritual lesson to by learnt?

Left my umbrella besides the receptionist on my way to the main lobby. Navigating back to the CC waiting room I only missed one turn and had to retract my steps only by 200 paces. I hope I don’t forget that umbrella. I’m tempted to put it in the car when I go on my next adventure. Now there are 24 people in the waiting room. There is an ebb and flow of bodies coming in and out. Funny the things you notice when you’re waiting. The commercials on TV, “New Apprentice”, Julia Roberts interview coming up for her new movie “Closer”, Access Hollywood, Niva of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” fame looks really good as she is being interviewed on the red carpet.

Back to my spiritual book on page 15 the last sentence reads “Although suffering can be the hearts best taskmaster, its curriculum may open the door to freedom beyond our loftiest expectations. Sometimes in the adversity we dread that we begin to discover the kind of life we’ve only dreamed of”. Suffering is the hearts taskmaster. Lord, I hate to suffer. Sometimes it hurts so much.

That was Frankie on the phone. Jan came through the procedure fine. Four burns later to his heart, Dr. Druker will come to see me in the waiting room in about 45 minuets to give me more information, that’s if everything is o.k. after being held in recovery for 45 minuets. If not, Frankie will call me again to tell if they have to continue the ablation. He was in arterial fibrillation, that’s more serious than the flutter and they had to do a cardio conversion (shock) and that didn’t thrill me. I can only hope and pray that all will be well.

It’s 11:15 a.m. watching or glancing every so often at the tube, scenes from “Desperate Housewives” are being pictured. The gardener is on a ladder clipping away at a tall bush. I try to go back to the book. I am trying to add up the time we will have to be in the hospital. I feel like we are prisoners who are plotting an escape. 45 minutes more in recovery, then 4 hours in a hospital room here. God willing we will be home before 6 p.m. Praise the Lord, he’s not dead and doesn’t need a pacemaker right now due to a screwed up surgery. I pray all will be well. Lord Abba Father, God be with both of us right now.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

Reception was very nice in the CC (Cardiac Catherization) waiting room. The receptionist was on the ball. First she found the location of my husband. That by itself, I felt was no easy feat. Then about 20 minuets later I got a call from a nurse telling me that Jan was being shifted from the area they had done the first procedure the TEE which had gone very well. He was being taken to recovery and when he was settled down I would be able to see him. It’s now 9:35 a.m. it’s been 3 hours since we pulled up to the hospital. Jan has two more procedures to go. Someone told us the ablation would take 20 minutes. Who I don’t recall but in reality the doctor advised us that it usually takes between 2 and 6 hours depending on what they find when they go in. Is anxiety creeping back? Look up Susan, keep on looking up and not on the circumstances. Depending is a word most people don’t understand. Depending on what? What does it really translate as? What does it mean? What are they really trying to say? Depending on whether or not he survives? I think depending should be stricken from a doctor’s vocabulary.

After 15 minutes of watching the clock. Time goes by ever so slowly when you are watching the clock waiting for someone to call to give you the green light to see your husband before he is rolled around to surgery. A nurse finally arrives and tells me we have about 5 minutes to visit before Jan goes for his ablation. I follow the young blonde nurse from Maine. I’ve forgotten her name already. Through the maze of hallways to the bed where my beloved was hooked up to every monitor one could humanly imagine. I do not think they could have put another patch on his chest even if they tried. I see my husband and he smiles. Which is a blessing. I stroke his arm. He doesn’t say much. Only that the throat spray they used for the anesthesia was awful. Funny the things you remember when you are loaded up with drugs. The alarm on the monitor they used for his drip is going off indicating there is air in the line. The nurse assures us that everything is fine. Her supervisor comes over for the ringing never stops. She asks her to check the line. They determine the machine is faulty and they change machines. I move to the other side of the bed as not to get in their way. Still stroking Jan’s arm. The contact with him satisfies my spirit.

Frankie a friendly young black nurse introduces herself and tells me that she will be with Jan for the entire procedure. Jan was a bit drowsy but not completely out of it. I continue to stroke his head. He is sweating. Two young men come over to transport him. Frankie introduced us. She also said that I could follow them and give Jan some sugar at the point where they turned right to the operating room and I turned left back to the CC waiting room. I felt that was very thoughtful of her.

Watching the Today Show on channel 12 in the CC waiting room while writing to my journal. The segment is on the most desirable presents and fashions for Christmas. Seems an incredulous contrast, experiencing a life and death moment verses the media’s call to buy. How high can those heels get before a woman falls flat on her face. How glittery can the accessories be? Buy, buy, buy they keep telling us. You’ll feel better about yourself if you have this or look this way. The hype is alive and well. If only we looked like those models who where displaying the merchandise.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

December 1, 2004

Up at 4:30 am snuck back to bed for a couple more minutes but got up by 4:15 am. Jan had to be out the door by 6:15 and at the hospital by 6:30. It was a dark and rainy morning. The leaves where piled high on the sides of the streets. They were blowing over the road. Creating that wet leafy shinny slimy muck that covers a wet rainy road. Visibility was dim, yet onwards and outwards we went.


I had a couple of minuets before we left the house so I bleached my teeth, Dr. Handy would be proud of me, checked my e-mail, played a couple of minutes of bridge on MSN Zone, blogged to my webblog http://www.misfitmom.blogspot.com/, checked my friend Andrew’s blog at http://www.tallskinnykiwi.typepad.com/ then folded some laundry. All accomplished within 8 or so minutes. Andrew’s father died while he was enroute to his brother’s funeral in Australia. That’s a lot of grief. I decided not to mention it to Jan this morning as I was taking him for his own procedure that had risks associated with it.

I’m sitting in the ICU waiting room. Why I can’t wait with Jan I do not know. I delivered him to the area where he gets prepped for surgery. The nurse instructed me to go wait in the waiting room. So, here I sit waiting. I’m going to be doing a lot of waiting today. Maybe I should have worn my nurse’s uniform then I could have come and gone at will? It’s probably because of malpractice that they want to keep the family as far away from the medical activity as possible. I have a very different idea but then again that’s me. Maybe I could have cleared it with the doctor in advance to stay with Jan? I wonder what Shirley Corts did when her husband was undergoing cardiac surgery one surgery after another. Shirley was the Pastor’s wife at Calvary. She too was a nurse and very vigilant. I somehow think she didn’t take no for an answer. I could call her but maybe she wants to forget as well.

I’m sitting next to a woman who brought her mother here at 2 a.m. hemorrhaging; she’s in an advanced stage of cancer. She together with her whole family of 12 or more are gathered around us. The teenagers are laughing and making the most of the situation, the other adults just look numb, blank and tired, especially the women. I moved 10 feet to the TV area where I could watch the news. I answered a couple of calls that were being unanswered in the ICU. The phone kept ringing and ringing I guess everyone wanted someone else to pick it up, so I did. I answered several phone calls for others in the ICU, calling out the names of the families that the caller was inquiring about.

Two hours after first entering the ICU waiting room I found out that I was in the wrong waiting room. For the prep nurse said that she’d call before Jan was taken up for his surgery. Two hours later no call so I started asking questions. I asked a lady who worked in the pharmacy and she told me that I was in the wrong waiting room. I should have been in the cardiac catherization waiting room, so much for instructions and communication. The elderly volunteer at the reception desk gave me a piece of page about 1/3 the size of a regular sheet with instructions to the right waiting room. I even asked along the way because I didn’t want a further detour. I was told the follow the yellow dots. Have you ever felt like a mouse in a maze. Well that was one of those moments and that’s how I felt. I guess others have had those mouse moments because why would they have put the dots on the floor? Here are the directions they gave me to the Cath Lab waiting room from ICU. Take a right out of the ICU waiting room. Turn right at the second hallway, go the end of the hall and turn left. Go to the elevators and turn right. Here we have some confusion for there are several elevators. This is the place I asked for help. Continue down hallway, waiting room is on the left. The dots appear somewhere near the elevators. They didn’t tell you about the construction going on and that a wall that was there the day before had been removed. I got there in the end.

I prayed this morning that I would keep my focus upwards and not on the situation. I likened it to walking on water. If I just kept looking up I wouldn’t sink emotionally or spiritually. I could handle what was before me. The whole day at different times felt like a spiritual hurdle race. Taking one at a time trying not to fall.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WIFE IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

December 1, 2004

I’m writing this in hopes that there might be someone out there in cyberspace, in the world that might be comforted, amused, or reminded that we are not alone through my experience in the ICU waiting room and beyond.

They say the longest journey starts with the first step so would it be right to say that the longest story starts with the first word. I wrote a 10 page plus saga on my experience in hospital while my husband Jan was going through a TEE, Cardioconversion and Ablation and then some. You may ask what are all these procedures? So, I went to my web browser and got you some information. Now you’re almost as smart as the doctors. When I think there were approximately 20 people in the waiting room times 360 days. That represents 7,200 familes just in one hospital’s waiting room. Mutiply that by the total number of hospitals doing this procedure every day and you can see that it might affect almost every family in America at one time or another.
Transesophageal echocardiography (TEE)
TEE is a special type of echocardiogram. A tube with an echocardiogram transducer on the end of it is passed down a person's throat and into the esophagus. (This is the tube connecting the mouth to the stomach.) The esophagus is right behind the heart, and images from TEE can give very clear pictures of the heart and its structures.
Cardioversion
In this procedure, a small electrical shock is delivered to the heart through the chest to stop certain very fast arrhythmias such as atrial fibrillation, supraventricular tachycardia, or sinus tachycardia. The patient is connected to an EKG monitor which is also connected to the cardioversion device. The electrical shock is delivered at a precise point during the EKG cycle.
Ablation
This is an invasive procedure done in the electrophysiology laboratory, which means that a catheter (hollow tube) is inserted into the heart through a vessel in the groin or arm. The procedure is done in a manner similar to the electrophysiology studies (EPS) described above. Once the site of the arrhythmia has been determined by EPS, the catheter is moved to the site. By use of a technique such as radiofrequency ablation (very high frequency radio waves are applied to the site, heating the tissue until the site is destroyed) or cryoablation (an ultra-cold substance is applied to the site, freezing the tissue and destroying the site), the site of the arrhythmia may be destroyed.
This is the first installment for if I wrote 10 pages it would blog down my blog. So, I thought I'd write it in stages. A little at a time. But in the end it will all be there.

We're on the way to the hospital this morning. It's 6:09 am and Jan has to be there by 6:30. Please keep us uplifted in your prayers today and tomorrow we really need them.
Remind me to tell you about Alexandra's problem tomorrow. I'm taking one crisis at a time. For I can't jump over these high hurdles more than one at a time.
I was reading that suffering perfected Christ, He is our perfect High Priest in Hebrews 5 today.
Suffering could be a blog on it's own. That's one hurdle that is very difficult for me, especially when it involves my children.

Good morning world. How are you today? I guess I should blog that Jan is going into the hospital on Wednesday for an aterial ablation. That's a procedure that will help get is heart back to a normal rate. Please keep us all uplifted in your prayers because this week we'll really need them.
I spoke with one of my oldest friends yesterday. Her name is Jennifer. Have you ever had a friend that no matter where you are you can pick up the conversation as if you left it yesterday. Time does not dull the relationship. If it does anything it makes it better. Someone who uplifts your spirits, someone you can always have a laugh with no matter what the crisis at hand may be. A friend who is so special in your life, you really feel blessed by knowing them. A friend who has journeyed with you through your entire life from adolescence to those golden 50's. That's my friend Jennifer.

I was reading this morning about God's promises concerning direction.
Here's some Scripture for you.
Is 48:17
Is. 49:12
Jer 3:15
James 1:5
My devotion led me to ask GOD for the desire for His direction above all others.
Insignt to see and know HIS direction.
Great boldness and eagerness to follow GOD'S direction.
Much peace and joy while following GOD'S direction.
I share this with you all because I feel we are seeking and journeying together.

Have you ever woken up feeling lonely and anxious?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY TO ONE AND ALL
It's funny in America we celebrate Thanksgiving Day once a year. But in God's community we celebrate thanksgiving everyday. Or at least when we pray. I think about that Phil.4 chapter where it says don't worry about anything, pray about everything, and give thanks. God is telling us from beginning to end to give thanks. Why do you think that is? Are we not grateful? Are we self absorbed? Do we need to cultivate more thanksgiving and praise? I think about Kirk Franklin, he certainly has a praise- a- thon going with his music.
Happy Thanksgiving we have much to be thankful for. Maybe we could set up a list and everyone add a couple of things that they are thankful for?
I'm thankful for eyes that see and ears that hear.
I'm thankful for my salvation.
I'm thankful for warm water to take a shower whenever I want. Just a couple of thoughts that come to my mind today.

The colors on the trees are still vibrant and beautiful. I think I'll take my digital camera and try to shoot some pictures of the eye candy that GOD presents to us. I wish I could paint. I would try to capture the beauty that I see.
Today I'm feeling bittersweet for I sent a note to Alexandra inside a care package for she will not be with us this "Thanksgiving Day". I try not to miss her but every now and then my heart aches. This is one of those times. She tells me not to think about my lack but my blessings. She is absolutely right. Yet if you're not a mother, the connection to your child especially a beloved one can not be comprehended. So, please keep me in your prayers today.
Question for today?
Why does it hurt so much?
How can my suffering glorify the LORD?
How can I ease the pain?

This is page two of her monthly letter. I hope you can enlarge the type on your computer. If you can't just e-mail me and I'll forward it to you.  

There is something wonderful about a mother who has cause to be proud of her children. This is Alexandra's monthly letter that I wanted to blog. Not only because she shares wisdom beyond her years but because she cares for the least of the least. 

What a teaching on brokenness this morning from a black urban pastor from Charlotte. It really hit a bullseye in my spirit. I'll try to blog some of the highlights for you because it was so on target. Wow I can get you a link to the sermon which is even better, you can hear it from the teacher's mouth. The series is called Raising Your Self Image. Click on Victory Christian Center then you can download and play sermons 1 - 4 on your media player. Too cool for words. This pastor rocks. I listen to him every Sunday morning at 6:am.

Funny, that one day you can be on the mountain top and the next day you can have trials and tribulations.
Question for today
How can I guard my mind against all the garbage (lustful temptations) that trys to soil my mind and heart each and everyday? How do I get rid of the destructive thoughts that are running around in my head?

Yesterday James came over and we had a wonderful time together. These were the flowers he brought for me.  

Just back from Aiken, SC and Augusta GA. What a great trip this one was. I stayed with a family in Augusta who were wonderful. It felt like being part of The Walton's. We stayed with Grandma Sara who is grandma not only to the 17 children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren on the 20 acre compound but grandma to anyone who needs her as a warm and caring soul. The family filled my "orphaned" love vacume. Also the outpouring of comments, prayers, and check marks in the various boxes indicating a decision, a recommitment, a desire for bible studies or prayer groups touched my heart. If there's even one who comes to the LORD I feel the journey has been worthwhile and on this occassion at least 1/2 dozen souls entered the Kingdom and even more recommitted their lives. PTL!
Last night I had dinner with James at Nobles. It was so sweet of him to take me out for my birthday. I don't know why I still have a childlike enjoyment of my birthday. I like it when people pour love into my life and into my day. So Happy Birthday to me! And Happy Birthday to anyone else who shares this special birthday day with me.

Off to Aiken, SC and Augusta, GA today at noon. I'll be speaking at Christian Women's Clubs which is a blessing. Join me in prayer for souls. That's the beat of my heart. More souls for the kingdom of GOD.
Had a journey in humility this morning. Putting aside my will for the a higher purpose. It was a bit like what Paul said when he talked about it being better for him if he left (this world, died) but it would be better for the new believers if he stayed. Putting aside ones desires to have her child with her rather than being away, yet knowing that her daughter serves a higher need not being here with her mother. It's sacrifice and sometimes it hurts and sometimes it costs more. Yet humility is bending your will to GOD'S and not the other way around.
I'll be back on Wednesday night so I'll probably blog on Thursday morning which is my birthday.

Today I'm going to be a greeter at our church. I have been praying that I can smile a smile which is inviting. Shake a hand in a way that seems welcoming. Have a heart that would say I'm glad you came today.
Postscript from a couple of days ago. Just wanted to tell you I went to the recreational center yesterday and apologized for losing my temper. The apology was well received and the relationship restored. I feel much better. Death to my self will run wild and pride.
Question for today
How do I discern God's timing for my life? Specifically for a move that I so want to make?

Woke up this morning to a mother's email. Someone I don't even recognize but that makes little difference. The email reads "Would you please pray for my son, Collin, for spiritual protection and physical safety? I feel an urgent need regarding these things, but know that God knows the circumstances and has placed this urgency on my heart."
Question for today
Do you have someone who will pray for you when times are rough or when something is heavy on your heart? If you don't, email me your prayer concerns. Also, please join me in praying for both Collin and his mother Teresa.

Misfitmom up at the break of dawn, actually 4:47 a.m. today. After I did my bible study and some of my prayers I came down and checked my e-mail. It's 5:38 a.m. now. I was delighted to receive an e-mail from an old friend Derek Chapman, a prophet among this generation, his letter really encouraged me and lifted my spirits. Sometimes I think no one ever reads my blog then out of the blue comes a note from someone that inspires me to continue to blog.
I was reading and studying Acts 15 today. Were there could have been a split in the church due to the issue of circumcision. What causes splits in the church today? What did they do over the problem? Well Paul goes to the the Jerusalem church to the leaders tells them what's happening and they say that the new believers don't have to get circumcised but they do have to do three things. One no sexual immorality, no eating of meat from idols, and no blood from strangled animals. So, when Paul goes back with Barnabas and two other leaders of the Jerusalem church to tell the new believers on his first missionary journey the news. They were received with great joy. Paul and Barnabas stayed on to encourage and teach.
There was no church split, there was joy amongst the people, there was unity in the Jerusalem church in their decision, the message spread, there was edification and encouragement. All this and more were some of the outcomes.
This teaching may have to do with problem resolution. I'd love to get some input into your thoughts on the chapter.
Question for today
How do I wait on the LORD when I want to rush out and do something. How do I find satisfaction here, today, right now, with who I am and what I am doing?

I was playing bridge yesterday with six tables of rather elderly people at a local recreation center. It was freezing in the room. After two hours of various people asking the director to increase the heat. I asked John the man who is our fearless leader to speak to her. Thinking that a man might get further than a woman. He did and afterwards he went directly to the control box on the wall and set the thermostats higher himself. If I knew we could do that I would have done it myself. Nevertheless, Kim the director of the recreation center came in and started messing about with it. It was still cold in the room, everyone had their jackets on. And I don't know what happened I must have gone on automatic, maybe I don't want to remember, but I lost it. I started raising my voice and got very angry internally. She's rather condecending to the older people and was telling me that she wasn't cold and we should be wearing jackets. Now in her little cubicle she's as snug as a bug in a rug, but in the big room that we use, it was cold. The long and the short of it was I lost it. I got very angry at her. To the point I really wanted to punch her lights out. Now that leads to my question for today.
How can you be spirit filled and lose it so easily?
Where is self control, the fruit of the spirit? Why doesn't it manifest when you need it?
How do you handle anger or rage as a believer?
How do we train ourselves and our children to develop self control?

After praying and talking with Mary Lewis, my prayer partner for close to a decade I have come up with the questions for today. But even before I share these questions, I want to share my heart. I myself have so many unanswered questions. Questions that I'd like to ask GOD, questions I'd like to ask the community of believers, questions I'd like answers to. I also have a need for community, and truth. So putting it all together I thought if I have these needs others may have the same needs too. Let's journey together.
Questions for today
I feel out of synch with what I should be doing in life. How do I identify the desires of my heart and realize those desires?
I was made for a relationship. Why am I not in one?
If you have any thoughts or comments please share it with us.

I had to speak to technical support, uninstall hello, rebot and reinstall hello just part of the process but I got there in the end and now I'm sharing Alexandra's postcard from Chicago. ENJOY 

I am asking one deep question in hopes that many will join me in a dialogue and together we can come up with some answers. If you have any questions feel free to submit them.
Question of the day
Why do I self destruct when I get depressed or disappointed. Why is sadness a trigger to hurt myself? What are other ways to handle the pain?

Trying to download a picture using Hello but of course technical difficulties. What else is new. Hello won't allow me to sign on. Tried to go around it using html but I'm not that smart. Can't find the web address to download my picture of the Chicago postcard that Alexandra sent me yesterday. She created the postcard herself. She is so talented. But watch out for it for it's a coming.
Spoke to Alexandra yesterday and she's so happy. I asked her if she had any new prayer requests and she shared three concepts with me which I'm sharing with you today. UNITY, NEEDS TO BE MEET BOTH OF THE CHURCH AND HER TEAM, AND GOD'S VISION FOR THEM. Please join me in prayer.

Yesterday we finished our Missions Conference. The speaker Bill Perrow has an inner city street kid mission for homeless children. They have tons of projects for them and it looks like he's really making a difference. There are more than 30,000 street kids in the capital of Columbia. His pictures touched our hearts last night as we saw some of the children as little as infants sleeping on a piece of cardboard under a car. Our church missions goal for giving is $156,000 and yesterday we received pledges of $112,000 for the first day which I thought was encouraging. We had pastors from Africa, Asia, Jamaica, India and others who were local and national come to our conference. I really felt an anointing of the Holy Spirit at various times during our conference.

DO YOU THINK A MOTHER CAN TAKE APPLICATIONS FOR A GODLY SPOUSE FOR HER CHILDREN?

James came to visit yesterday. There was an open house at Wake Forest School of Law. Graduation is December 11th at ASU. The Passat was his present. Doesn't he look good?

Just returned from the Farmer's Market. The weather has turned cold and there's a definite frost in the air. Going from what felt like 80 degrees to 35 degrees in one day is quite an adjustment for the body. The stalls of farmers hawking their produce is dwindling. About 1/3 of the farmers are there now and it will continue to thin until Christmas. Then we must await the spring. The seasons change and the availability of produce changes with those seasons. We don't recognize it when you go to the Supermarket but you sure do when you go to the Farmer's Market.
Listening to Kirk again this morning the track is called It's Rainin'. Wish I had a sound bite for you but I don't. So go find it and check it out. Tell me what you think. Waiting for the prodigals to come over to do some yard work. That is a local drug treatment program that raises money through various services. One of which is yard work. My front lawn looks like leaf heaven. I can't see the grass, just a blanket of leaves. And there are still so many more to come before it's over.

Misfit Mom here just viewed Andrew's future monastery (hopefully) in Scotland. WOW! What a leap of faith yet if God is in it all things are possible. Check out the pictures they are great especially the rainbow.
This week is Mission Conference Week at our church. Yesterday we had a fair style opening following a meal which is always good and ice cream/goodies afterwards. I think I had too much sugar I felt a little buzz afterwards. All the missionaries we support, both internationally and locally were there or represented. It was great to meet people in person and get to know something about their calling and passion. My real prayer for our church is participation. That each and every person would be called to do something. They could pray, go, or give or any combination thereof. But each person would do SOMETHING! Something more than they are currently doing. GOD wants us to be doers of the WORD.

Today's the day the LORD has made let us rejoice and be glad in it. Today is also the missions conference at our church. We've been planning and praying all year for it. The word that I got was participation. That each person would participate in some way or another. That GOD would call each person by name and tell them what He wants them to do. I felt another word today and that was sufficiency. God is sufficient unto this day! Amen, Amen, and Amen. He is our sufficiency whatever the need is.

Up before the crack of dawn. The time was put back an hour and I didn't even realize it until mid morning. Tried to ring Andrew Jones on Skype but he wasn't online. That's the thing about those PC telephone programs your friends have to be online to chat with them. A perv called me this morning on Skpe. I wonder how he got authorization??? I may have to check it out.
Today I'm picking up James' Jeep. I think I have a buyer and that's a blessing. His graduation present was a 2001 VW Passat. I haven't seen it yet. I purchased it on E-bay which was a real leap of faith as I had some anxious moments about the whole thing. But now that the deal is behind me I feel better.

Lately I'm going through some things that really got me down
I can't explain it
Jesus your love
gets me high
Up to the sky
and when I think about your goodness
makes me want to shout
Brother can't you see I got the victory
STOMP
I can't type as quick as they are rapping the words on my PC Windows Media Player but they're happening. I'm in the praise grove. Wish you were with me.
Makes me clap my hands
makes me want to dance
Brother can't you see I got the victory
All my folks say STOMP
everybody say STOMP
JP are you with me
JP are you with me
ha ha ha
uhhhhh
all my cousins say STOMP
my sister say STOMP
the whole STOMP
nothing but the STOMP
STOMP
put some hands together
My daughter turned me on the Kirk Franklin
The album is called GOD'S PROPERTY
It rocks
You got a little taste.
Wish I knew how to put a video clip in here. If you know how to please e-mail me and tell me how. That would be awesome.

Read Magz poetry yesterday on Duo she writes beautifully about the the changes in seasons, Autumn. I reflect my own thoughts on the sights, colors, shapes, smells, and perceptions associated with the season. I actually like fall and spring the best. Why you might ask? I think it's the birth and death syndrome. Now the earth is dying yet waiting in peace for it's rebirth in Spring.
Today I'm off to Charlotte to see "The Producers". I have not seen a Broadway show in years. I used to go with my cousin Ann for our birthdays each year. We'd have so much fun. I reflect on my youth more and more. Sometimes I feel I want to go back. Can you go back? Can you relive the past?

A link you should not be without. Today I got an e-mail from my cousin Ann in NYC saying that a girl was missing her name was Penny Brown, an Amber Alert was issued, instructing us to pray and pass on this e-mail. I no sooner passed it on to all my prayer partners when I received an e-mail from one saying that it was a hoax. Please check this link before you pass on similar e-mails. My prayer partner shared with me "here is a link that you should visit anytime you receive an email such as the one concerning Penny Brown. http://www.truthorfiction.com/ You should always check out stories for yourself before forwarding things. The page that concerns this particular email is: http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/p/pennybrown.htm
Yet as I reflect on this e-mail a bit miffed that people have no better things to do in life and on the other hand a sense that God wants us to have sensitive, prayerful, and have compassionate hearts whenever we hear a of a need. What are your thoughts?

I'm back from being away for five days. It actually feels like much longer. Why is that? What a great harvest. I've never seen anything like that. 27 women at a Christian Women's Club meeting in Blufton, SC. Way to go GOD! The Spirit was moving and the audience was ready to receive the message. It was all GOD and prayer. Thank you all my prayer partners. You share in the harvest. Sun City could be a happening place for anyone who wants a ministry.

I'm off to Charleston, SC this morning and I won't be able to blog for at least a week. I'm speaking in Hilton Head with Jan so pray that many souls will be touched by the hand of GOD. I hope we have fun along the way. Went to the library and took out a couple of books on tape for our journey. I'll be speaking at five different clubs in Hilton Head, Blufton, and the surrounding communities. So, if there are any bloggers out there who want to hear my testimony just find out where Christian Women's Clubs are meeting this week and come and introduce yourself. This link will also help you locate a club in your area if you just want to come have a wonderful day out filled with fun, fellowship, and truth. Sending you all lots of love, grace, and peace.

Did I get a deal at Wal-Mart. Way to go Wal-Mart. I'll tell you all about it. I went to get two back tires for my son's car. That's James, 23 soon to be graduating ASU with a business degree. PTL! I have to sell the car and he advised me that the back tires were thread bare. Nevertheless, I went to Wal-Mart to get the same tires I have previously purchased. First the tire man said I only needed one which was great. Then I thought well I'm going to sell it next week, I'll get them both. I'll bless someone. Especially since these tires were on sale for $50.00 a piece $59 with everything installed and ready to go. But then the manager. Tray comes out and looks at my odometer because he was able to bring up my last bill and find out that I only used 19,800 miles on a 50,000 mile tire. I got back close to $30.00 per tire after he did his calculations. This is the first time I ever got anything back. I felt so blessed. I am thrilled. And it was at my Wal-Mart on Hanes Mill Road, in Winston-Salem. Thank you Wal-Mart well done. I told Tray I'll always buy my tires at Wal-Mart and I hope you buy yours there too.

Had a bit of trouble sleeping last night. Besides being up several times for the usual bladder call I still couldn't get settled enough to go back to sleep. My left hip kept telling me it was there. Someone from my church e-mailed me some very cute jokes about getting old. It comes upon all of us. The bits and pieces just don't work as well as they did 25 years ago. Time flies and you wake up and say where did it go?
James arrived late last night about 10:45 p.m. He has a dentist appointment at 8:00 a.m., 5 cavities in one sitting. Better to take care of it in one shot then to drag it out. I'm grateful that he's getting it done and that Dr. Pruette can do it in one sitting. Then I think we're off to get some back tires for his Jeep.
Yesterday I got some information on how to add the more button to continue the paragraph on another page, but I haven't played with it yet. If anyone knows where to put the html in I would appreciate a note. Is it on the template or is it in edit html on the page you're composing? Well not today Josephine. Something for tomorrow.

Up at the crack of dawn. Actually even before the crack. It's 6:01 am right now eastern standard time. I wanted to tell you about Saturday at the county fair when I shared the wordless book with countless children. Child Evangelism Fellowship is a great resource for anyone who would loves children and would like to share the Good News with them. They created the wordless book which is 5 colored pages that represent the Gospel Story. Pretty easy stuff. Seven children came to the LORD on Saturday which is fabulous. Four brothers and three sisters from two different families at two different times. Many others heard and you know some plant seeds and others sow.
I have a car problem. I need to get a car from Birmingham, AL to Winston-Salem and I can't seem to get it together. Please pray for me as I need an extra body to drive down with me or an act of GOD to get it here. If GOD is concerned about the hairs on our head doesn't HE care about our stuff too?

Had to share this Scripture with you. Went upstairs to the loo moments after I posted my last blog and opened a little book on prayer. What do my eyes fix upon but Ps 109:21-22
"Out of the goodness of your love, O LORD, deliever me. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me."

WOW I was reading Romans 15:4-6 hope, encouragement, patience and harmony, four words that stuck to my spirit this morning.
You know I prayed with two other people this morning about loneliness, not physical loneliness, but emotional and spiritual loneliness. The more people I pray with the more prevalent and relevant I think the problem is. People want to feel a GOD connection. I want to feel the Holy Spirit in my heart, working in me, present, available, ministering to my neediness. Emotionally, I'd like to be rid of the stuff of the past. Put to bed and put to rest those wounded areas. I am convinced authentic dialog and prayer is the only way. If you can think of any thing else that might be useful, please share it with me.

Remember I told you about the roses I brought at the Farmer's Market last Saturday. Well these are them. If you look closely you can see a picture of James and me in the background. 

Upward and onwards towards my search for truth. Yesterday the prayer for our church missions conference was from Ecc. 4:9-12 Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
My commentary reads in the Life Application Bible "There are advantages to cooperating with others. Life is designed for companionship, not isolation, for intimacy, not loneliness. Some people prefer isolation, thinking they cannot trust anyone. We are not here on earth to serve ourselves, however, but to serve GOD and others. Don't isolate yourself and try to go it alone, Seek companions, be a team member."
That intimacy part touched my spirit. You know I was talking about feeling alone. I think the aloneness that I feel has been emotional and spiritual loneliness. So, therefore there has to be a spiritual answer. All spiritual answers come from our Heavenly Father who gives wisdom abundantly to all that ask. So, I'm not only asking for that wisdom for myself but for everyone who wants to join me in this journey. May GOD hear our prayers and answer them quickly.
Can there be any better intimacy between people than in and through prayer?

You know I really didn't know what the defination of estrangement was. I don't even think I spelled it right. So, for your sake and mine here is the definative definition.

Main Entry: es·trange Pronunciation: is-'trAnjFunction: transitive verbInflected Form(s): es·tranged; es·trang·ingEtymology: Middle English, from Middle French estranger, from Medieval Latin extraneare, from Latin extraneus strange -- more at STRANGE1 : to remove from customary environment or associations2 : to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness : ALIENATE- es·trange·ment /-'trAnj-m&nt/ noun- es·trang·er nounsynonyms ESTRANGE, ALIENATE, DISAFFECT mean to cause one to break a bond of affection or loyalty. ESTRANGE implies the development of indifference or hostility with consequent separation or divorcement . ALIENATE may or may not suggest separation but always implies loss of affection or interest . DISAFFECT refers especially to those from whom loyalty is expected and stresses the effects (as rebellion or discontent) of alienation without actual separation .

Right after blogging I went to MSN Zone Games, I love to play bridge. I've met so many interesting people from all over the world playing bridge on the Zone. I'm in competitive novice room 1 usually if you can find me. Or maybe I'll find you. Look for some joy (hint to my nickname).
Nevertheless, I was playing with my friend who is a psychologist and I told him about my blog. I asked from a secular point of view what were his thoughts on loneliness and he shared that the root cause may be from past and/or present feelings of isolation, alienation, estrangement, and abandonment. We had a dialog about trust and grief as well. It's interesting where these feelings come from and what to do with them once they have surfaced in the present.
My quest is how to uproot them in my spirit today and be an overcomer for tomorrow. I'm on the missions committee for our church and prepared a prayer journal for everyone in the church to pray during the 40 days preceding our missionary conference.
Today's reading was from Ecc 4:9-12 Read it and read a commentary, tell me what you think. Two are better than one, and a cord of three cannot be easily broken. That's it in a nutshell.

Having just finished my morning devotionals I came across a section in Acts that addresses a cure for loneliness and gave me lots of food for thought. I was reding Acts 4:23-37 and studying a commentary which elaborated on the power through united prayer.
"This little flock, uncounted, unrecognized by the world, quietly united for prayer in Jesus' name. It is interesting to note several details in this prayer (inspired by the Holy Spirit) of the early church during persecution by which satanic and human opposition were overcome.
First, they prayed to the living, personal God who has all power (4:24) and authority over all flesh.
Secondly, they used the promises and prophecies of Scripture (Ps2) as a basis for prayer in the will of God (Acts 4:25-28).
Thirdly, they made a clear-cut definite request. This was not for protection but for more boldness to witness and more power to help other needy souls. (4:29-30).
Finally, God answered by power (4:31). God manifested His approval of this gathering in answer to prayer by almost a second Pentecost. There was the outward sign of an earthquake. There was a new infilling by the Holy Spirit that resulted in mutual love and intimate fellowship among themselves (4:32); great power to witness (4:33); great grace (4:33); and generous financial giving to God and His people (4:34-37).
Does anything touch you or make sense?

Wow, I think I've had a breakthrough. I was praying with my friend Mary Lewis this morning. God definitely put us together to be sisters in prayer. Over the last ten years we have shared each others burdens. We have become that two cord rope that can not be easily broken. Yet we continue of journey together. I see us as two limping cripples most of the time. Yet together in prayer we make real strides.
Today was a breakthrough because we prayed about something we both battle with and that is loneliness. You can be very busy and with people yet feel alone and disconnected. It's unbelievable the lies that Satan throws at us each and everyday. Mary was saying she feels old, ugly, lonely and is going to die alone.
I invite you to come along with us on our spiritual quest for truth. I suggested to Mary this morning to get a piece of paper and fold it in half. Writing down on one side all the tormenting thoughts that are racing through her brain. Then in the morning we would pray that God would reveal His truth, His promises, His plan, His peace, and His provision for each and every need.
I don't have many of the answers but I did give Mary some insight on two of three problems she was dealing with today.
Being old is not bad. We are all aging. God has great things to say about aging. With aging there is wisdom and honor. In Ps. it says that we will remain vital and green in our old age still producing fruit. I want to be a fruit producer until my last breath.
Feeling ugly now Mary is a beautiful woman. She's fit, smiling most of the time, gregarious, out-going, compassionate, and physically attractive. That ugliness I think is within. Some of the most beautiful women in the world felt ugly. That's a lie straight from the pit of hell. We prayed that God would reveal the areas in her life that make her feel that way and shed light on the truth how beloved she is, how special she is, what qualities she has. Someone once said that after 40 it's the beauty that is on the inside that shows. How can we concentrate on being beautiful inside. What does GOD see as beautiful characteristics. Is it the fruit of the spirit, is it bearing fruit for the kingdom, is it trusting GOD, is it something else???
Back to loneliness. I looked up some Scriptures in the Bible about loneliness. I am praying with Mary that God would reveal the root of my own feelings and how to overcome them at this stage of my life as well as for Mary. It doesn't matter if you're 5 or 55 you can still feel lonely. Does anyone else have any thoughts about that?
Just wanted to share some Scriptures I found on loneliness that might be helpful. Ex 6:10-12, Pr 18:24, 3 John 1:5. I'm also throwing in two Sciptures on God's love because they made me smile 1Jon 4:18, 1 Peter 4:8.

They say stop and smell the roses, so I'm inviting you to do so with me.
I wanted to make myself smile and you too so I posted this picture. It's for all of us. Today I actually went to the Farmer's Market and purchased a bouquet of roses that smelled so fragrantly. I gave them to Jan this morning.

Last night was the worst attack I've ever experienced from the enemy. Confusion, pain, feeling tossed and battered by the waves of indecision, shame, inferiority, insecurity, and much more....
I felt like I took some direct hits. This morning is better. Licking my wounds through prayer, a friend, confession, and grace today has hope again.

Just came back from the gym where I didn't really work out I think I just went through the motions. Sort of coasting along without the sweat. I find it very hard to motivate myself to move especially enough to sweat. Now playing tennis or racquetball that's a different story. I wonder why that is?
Tormented, depressed, unsatisfied but not really knowing why? It's all in my head. How do I rewallpaper the scenery in my brain?

Oh! I forgot to tell you the name of the play. It was The Secret Rapture by David Hare. I'll give you some of the Director's notes so that you'll have an idea of what it was all about.
"Set during the 1980's, a decade now often remembered for its excess and self-indulgence, David Hare's play explores the fate of a character, Isobel, who actively fights for truth and integrity. His attempt at a modern tragedy explores the relationship between greed and goodness. Hares describes his motivation: 'Goodness makes me weep. I see Isobel that way. So, I said 'Why don't I write about goodness?'
In this play about goodness in an era of greed, Hare challenges us to ask some tough questions. Is there a difference between the public self and the private self? Or between the personal and the political? And if we think about our choices and look in the mirror, what do we do when we don't like what we see?"
It reminded me of the era I lived in London. It was a good time in my life.

Joy and contentment I'd like to know how others feel about these states of mind which seems so elusive at times. Listening to the BBC from London this morning. Just found out that Tiger Woods dropped down to 3 place worldwide. Just picking up pieces in the background, not really listening.

It's a wonderful feeling to wake up to a comment. Hip Hip Hurray for the comment givers. That means you!
I'm off to Wake Forest to see a student theater production. I'll have to tell you what it is latter when I have the bulletin in hand. I know it's a drama, that's all I can say now.
Today is my anniversary. Card in hand, flowers in tow, date in front of me. Who knows what else???

Opened my Prodigals book randomly and came to a quote from Charles Spurgeon that touched my spirit and hopefully may touch yours. It read "The first link between my soul and Christ is not my goodness but my badness, not my merit but my misery, not my standing but my failing, not my riches but my need". What truth, what wisdom, what joy that is. Having felt very much in failing mode yesterday it uplifted my spirit today.

Up at the crack of dawn. The full moon is still shining. It's amazing how much light the moon sheds upon the earth. Yet it's so far away. Creation still astonishes me.
Received a book called the Prodigals and Those who Love Them, by Ruth Graham. There's some terrific poetry interspersed with stories about various prodigals. Being one myself I can quickly relate. You can pick up the book from Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/080105897X/104-2391731-1084729
You know blogger is much easier these days. Go blogger go.
If only I could write, that means the ability to put together a sentence and spell properly. It could make all the difference in the world. Should have paid more attention when I was in school. I listened to Father Joe this week and was blown away by the authors skill, wilding the English language like a surgeon's knife in his hand. It was a joy to listen to him read the book he pened so well. I guess a first from Cambridge in Literature really pays off.

Oh Happy Days! Oh Happy Days! Oh Hippy Days! Oh Hippy Days! This is yours truly enroute to living another hippy adventure. I thought I left it behind at Woodstock, the original one. Yet there is something is my heart that aches for community. I don't know what it is. I don't know what will happen but it looks like I will be heading next week to Twin Oaks sister, the little Acorn. Wish me luck in this experience. Dare to dream, dare to live your dream.

Remember I told you that Alexandra went to Chicago. Well she's there and this is a picture of her and her team. Please continue to lift up their arms to the LORD. Her prayer is the same as Moses "LORD go before us". They are the LORD'S best! 

Back from Clinton, SC and Greenwood SC where I spoke at CWC. We had a great response which is always encouraging. Listened to a great book on the way there and back "Father Joe". I would highly recommend it.
I'm thinking about communal living. Is there anyone out there who has had this thought on their mind or on their hearts? I don't think we were made to live by ourselves or so insular. I love people and need the stimulation that a community offers. I wish I knew of some communities I could visit. Reflective time, time to think where am I going, what are some of my goals? I heard the other day on the bio station a celebrity saying her Dad said to her when she was young "Find out what you love, then find a way to get paid". Which I thought was brilliant but in retrospect I don't really know what I love. I pray to God that He would give me a passion, a love, a dream that would really be custom suited just for me.

Today I woke up and looked at my e-mail. It's 6:46 am, early in the morning. My friend Leslie send me a cool writing on the value of time. I thought I'd share it with everyone on the blog.

The Importance of Time

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr.. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."

Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important..Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time.

The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said.

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most, '" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention.

"Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.

Inside he found these words engraved:

"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4 Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep

5 You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You are special and unique.

8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

11. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.

12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.

14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Tell me what you think.

Proverbs 3 is so rich it talks about loyality and wisdom. There were so many words that spoke to my spirit. Read it and tell me what speaks to yours.
Jan is off to the cardiologist tomorrow. He's having a aterial ablation. I don't know when they'll schedule the procedure but it should be in the next couple of weeks. They have to take him off his blood thining medications before. Anxiety is plaguing him and I pray that God's peace would hold him like a mother hold's her infant baby. He could find rest in God's arms.

So Alexandra has left which has somewhat left a hole in my heart. But I spoke to her on the phone as the U-haul was in front of her new inner city accommodations. Her spirits are high and that makes mom feel a bit better.

I've been playing bridge this afternoon on http://zone.msn.com. They have tons of games you can play. But I love to play bridge. My nickname is joyfuljoyful4 so look for me if you're a bridge player. I'm usually in duplicate novice room 1. I think that's the link but if it's not try the msn search engine and type in zone games. You will come up trumps.

I took the dog for a walk today at Reynolda Park which was beautiful. The sun shining, the birds singing, people playing. It was very enjoyable.

Well tonight I'm going to have left over Chinese. Is there anyone else out there who is having left over Chinese tonight?

Alexandra and Dad at Lake Lure. 

Lake Lure Holiday 

Alexandra is off tomorrow. Today is the last day together until Christmas. Letting go is sometimes difficult for a mother. I asked Jan, my husband how he felt about it? He said he was fine. I think it must be a mother thing? Any other mother's with similiar feelings?
We returned from Lake Lure and I wanted to put a couple of pictures on the site to share with you all. So, enjoy them I did.
I'm trying to figure out posting multiply pictures from "Hello". Hello, hello!
We'll see????

It's ask Dr. Phil Day. He's fielding any and all questions. What question would I ask if I could right now? I'm not sure? Sometimes I don't want to be in the place where I am currently. I yearn to be somewhere else doing something else. That sounds like discontentment. I struggle with that. Especially when the Word says Godliness with contentment is great gain. All I can say it's a journey, sometimes it's a struggle.
Are there any 50+ women out there who would like to network, chat, and generally smooze?
E-mail me if you're interested.

I just hung up the phone, having just received a call from England. Such a good friend the Major is. It's funny catching up with people in 10 min. or so. How are the boys? What are you up to this month? A God child's marriage in London, a 50th Birthday party in Scotland, this grandchild staying with friends in Miami, the other with friends in Mass. and still another with Mom on holiday in Rome. It's wonderful to be young, rich and fancy free.
James is finishing up his Business Degree at ASU in Boone. I'm counting down the days till graduation. Praying that he'll get into Law School. That God will make a way in the wilderness if you know what I mean.
Alexandra is off on Friday to Chicago for MISSION YEAR. I think I told you to check out their website. http://www.missionyear.com
This morning I played bridge which was fantastic because I came in first amongst 6 other tables. Which is unbelievable having just started playing this year. I was playing against people, one of which I know has been playing for 51 years. I was tickled pink to say the least. Are there any bridge masters out there you'd like to mentor a young filly?

Andrew Jones is alive and well check him out on http://tallskinnykiwi@typepad.com. Check out his Suddenly Seminary. It's very cool.

I'm here again doing better today. My computer constantly seems to battle me for truth, justice, and the American way. So many different little lines of code constantly seeking to find out what I'm doing and to muck up my computer in general. I think it's a conspiracy of computer sorts.
Today is Sunday and I'm off to church with Jorg who is an international graduate student at Wake Forest. He's from Austria and staying with us until the 11 of December. It's 9:27 am and I'm not sure which church service I'm going to. Jan is off to Rocky Mount, NC. He's doing a big appraisal job up there. I'll miss him as he won't be back until Wednesday.
Are there any bridge players out there. I've learned to play bridge and it's getting to be somewhat of an obsession. I marvel at these people who are bridge masters. It's like figuring out the Gordian knot. Why does it have that name?
Well everyone have a blessed day. Watch out for the computer beasties.

It's been awhile again. I keep falling short of the mark. Yet God says that a good man or woman I might add falls down 7 times but still keeps getting back up. So with great humility I brush my pride off stand up and start blogging all over again.
Alexandra is off to Chicago on Friday. It's countdown time and whenever I think about it tears start forming in my eyes. I gave her a big hug before she left the house today and I thought to myself I would give the world after next Friday to do just that. I will miss her so much. Words do not tell the depth of a mother's love when she releases her children to do God's work in the inner cities of the world. I'll need much uplifting this week to probably get through it. I told Alexandra I wasn't going to cry until she gets on the plane. Any body who is interested in something really cool should check them out, it's http://www.missionyear.org. Tell me what you think of it.
I changed my webpage and lost all my links. I tried to reclaim them through tech support at blogger but they advised me once lost always lost. I miss those little links. I am not sure how to add them to the side of my webpage. Anyone with any knowledge please HELP ME!

Misfit Mom aka Susan Milner 

Now you see it, now you don't.  I've just discovered that if I turn off my firewall suddenly my WYSWYG buttons appear.  Now I'm going to try the evasive spell check.  Hold your breath.  HURRAY IT WORKS!  THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN SOLVED.  THOSE FIREWALLS CAN BE PRETTY TRICKY THINGS.  Sometimes they block the very things you want and at other times don't block the load of garbage that they are suppose to filter.
But it's a great day for I finally figured out the spell check problem.  I now see that Blogger has added a number of features to the toolbar line.  I'll have to investigate.

My friend Cecil wrote me a letter yesterday. This a friend of mine who has been very special to me since I was 15 years old. Now I'm passed it a bit so our friendship has lasted my whole adult life and most of my teenage years as well. There is something special about long lasting friendships. The familiar, the good, the bad, the ugly to coin a film title. Yet those experiences add depth to the relationship. Tell me what makes a special friend special to you? Why can't I still find my spell check?

I do the things I don't want to do? I would like to blog more regularily and then I just blogged and lost the whole thing. You would think by now I'd know better?

I found this picture of a wandering jew and thought I would post it on top of my blog. I'm not blog able yet. So if there's anyone who can help. PLEASE HELP ME! 

Today I was reading from Proverbs. I think Proverbs in possibly my favorite book in the Bible. Why! you might ask? Well because it's so practical. It gives practical advice for all life's problems. And there are many at one time or another. I was reading Proverbs 4 this morning. Wow verse 13 was for everyone who craves a fulfilled life.
It reads: "Carry out My instructions; don't forsake them. Guard them, for they will lead you to a fulfilled life." What do you think about that. It's a promise we can claim.
I've decided that I'm going to try not to live in the future. I'm going to strive to live in today. Every morning I'm going to ask the LORD what can I do today to please Him. I'm going to ask for an extra portion of joy. I'm going to try to be satisified with my portion. Lastly I'm going to try to see the blessings in the the simple things of life.