Have you ever heard someone speak in a very off hand tone. It is magnified when it is you or your own child. This morning I did some research in negative voice tones. I came across an article written by Sharon Melnick. She sheds some light on the matter. It is amazing how someone you care for, how their voice, not what they say, but the tone of their voice affects your mood and dispostion.
"You may very well be hear your own negative voice thousands of times every day too. For each person the nature of the voice is different: for some it's believing they "can't" (e.g., go out in business on their own), for some it's worry, for others it's guilt, for the rest it's self blame, etc. When I ask people about the tone of this voice, they say that it is critical, sarcastic, angry, frustrated, resigned, or anxious. In short, for many people, maybe even you, this is the soundtrack you are listening to at least a (good) portion of your day. The nature and tonality of this voice in large part determines the quality of your life. Your self talk is the basis for the relationship you make with yourself, the longest relationship you'll have. It forms the basis for the way you talk to your clients, your partner, and your children. It provides the words with which you coach yourself through the ups and downs of your everyday business stresses, and causes responses of poise or reactivity. It determines your choices to follow opportunities - or not. Your internal voice is broadcast by the way you carry yourself in your physical presence."
I also came across an article written for Customer Support by David Lee which was interesting.
"June 29, 2006
What Emotions and Perceptions Does YOUR Voice Tone Elicit?
The truism “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it…” is only partially true – what you say does matter. However, research on the human brain backs up a paraphrased version: HOW you say something CAN have a greater impact than just the words. Therefore, great communicators and customer service professionals pay close attention to how they say things.
Now, the brain research to emphasize why this is mission critical. Don’t worry, this will be a Reader’s Digest Condensed Version…
The same regions of the brain that process vocal intonations also play a major role in deciphering and creating emotions. People with brain damage to these regions are unable to identify the message communicated by vocal inflections. To them “Nice job!” spoken with sincerity means the same as “Nice job” spoken with sarcasm. They also speak in a monotonic, emotionless manner.
Because the same regions of the brain that process voice tone also process and create emotions, your voice tone is a direct link to the “emotion mixing board” in another person’s brain. Because of this, your voice tone has a huge impact on other people’s emotional state – for better or for worse.
That’s why it’s so important to discharge negative emotions prior to having a difficult conversation. If you don’t, you are likely to communicate your frustration, anger, or resentment through your voice tone. This in turn will trigger the emotion-processing regions of the listener’s brain, producing similar emotions in them.
OK… enough of the neuroscience. I bring this up because I want to make it clear how powerful and non-negotiable this phenomenon is. It’s hard-wired into our brains.
I also bring it up because I’m continually struck by how often I hear counterproductive voice tones used in the customer service field – especially on the phone. At the risk of stating the obvious, since telephone customer service is an auditory interaction, it’s even more important in this medium to get voice tone right. Since there is no visual information -- facial expressions or body language -- for the caller to use or react to, they base their whole impression on auditory information. Therefore what you say AND how you say takes on exaggerated importance.
With this in mind, are you conscious of what your voice is saying, especially when you are feeling stressed, tired, or frustrated? Even if you’re not, the other person listening is.
Let me give you two examples. One bad; one good.
Case One: I was very impressed with the place I bought my car. The person I dealt with (a co-owner) was the epitome of honest, helpful customer service. But, when it came time to have my car serviced, my experience was far different. His partner, who is in charge of the service end of the business, always sounded rushed, frustrated, and slightly annoyed that he had to be talking on the phone. From the moment he answered the phone, his voice tone communicated “I’ve got too much to do. You’re bothering me.” After a few experiences of this, I found myself reluctant to either call for an appointment or ask a simple question. So, I took my business elsewhere.
Case Two: This is a great example of someone from the “inside” of a company demonstrating a gracious, customer-friendly attitude. It is notable both because its an example of what to do and because it’s an exception to the rule. Except for companies with a strong service culture where all employees are onboard, I’ve often found that internal people who don’t typically work with the public often leave much to be desired in the interpersonal realm. In this situation, I got a message from a new client’s finance person requesting I fax over a form. This was her second call; she had originally called while I was away on a business trip, and I had forgotten to get back to her. Instead of adopting a scolding, stern first-grade-teacher-reprimanding-the-student tone of voice, she made her second request in a friendly tone.
Her gracious message was a nice reminder of a couple of points related to being conscious of your voice tone:
1) If you’re frustrated or stressed, be especially conscious of your voice tone. Don’t let your emotional state leak out.2) Don’t assume the customer dropped the ball or made a mistake; and don’t communicate this with a scolding voice tone. In this case, although I HAD forgotten to get back to her, it was just as possible I had never gotten the first message. I have had scolding messages from customer service people where I had never gotten the first message or hadn’t made the mistake they assumed I had. Think of times where another person assumed you did something wrong and communicated that – whether directly or through voice tone. What emotional state does that trigger in you?
So… in closing… how about noticing for the next week voice tones – both yours and others – and pay close attention to the message they convey. When you’re feeling frustrated or stressed, pay especially close attention to your voice tone.
Make sure YOU are in charge of your voice tone, not your current mood or emotional state. By doing that, you can increase your ability to leave the listener with a positive feeling (and yourself for that matter)."
I am going to try to be aware of my tone and others. The scripture that comes to mind is the fruits of the spirit. Speak with kindness and gentleness in your heart and in your speech.